For better or worse, Philadelphians have a reputation for possessing an in-your-face, rude attitude. We’re also apparently the ugliest people in the world. While the first certainly isn’t too far from reality, there’s a variety of characters you’ll encounter on a simple walk down Broad Street.
Some of them are awesome. There are tens of thousands of people in this city who are absolutely wonderful. The flipside is that some people in this city exhibit behavior that is downright egregious.
You’ve met some of them. You might even be one. These are the most annoying “genres” of people in Philadelphia.
If you think of another one that didn’t make the list, please feel free to drop it in the comments below.
Here we go.
10. The Urbex Bro
You can spot him wearing all black, toting a DSLR camera as he stalks the perimeter of a sketchy warehouse. He’s trespassed into countless empty buildings for the sake of “urban exploration,” but don’t let it fool you.
He’s really just a sheltered kid from Doylestown with horrible judgement who’s compensating for his hyper-vanilla upbringing.
He’ll risk his life scaling the Ben Franklin bridge with a camera for Instagram clout and an edgy story to pick-up girls in Fishtown dive bars and basement shows.
9. Don Draper of the Mainline
If you’ve ever nearly toppled over from someone shoving past you on Market Street, nine times out of ten it’s this guy. His Ferragamo suitcase screams, “I have a major agenda, big things to see, endless people to condescend.”
He thinks that all homeless people are lazy and gets personally offended if someone asks him for change. Although his wife and kids are waiting for him at his Wayne mansion, he’s too busy explaining trickle-down economics to some disinterested girl at Center City Sips.
8. Queen of the Scene
You probably can’t even spot her if you tried. When she’s not ducking in and out of Ubers on a Friday night, she’s cutting the block-long line at Rumor with her entourage of girls. She thinks her life is an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians—she even has waist-length black hair to match Kim K’s.
She has a Google Sheet of the name of every club promoter in the city and gets free bottle service the minute she steps foot inside. When someone insults her for getting past the line, she replies that “it’s not her fault she’s not ugly.”
7. The Wannabe Natives
They think they discovered their neighborhoods and know the best spots at the crucial locations: the original DiBruno Brothers in the Italian Market, the Dutch Eating Place at the Reading Terminal, etc.
They’ll hog your ear for hours to talk about how much they hate the Cowboys. Yet, there’s one trait that peels back the expertly-curated veneer: they have no sense of how to actually navigate the city. When they walk head-on at a moving car with both eyes open, they’ll be completely dumbfounded (despite the fact oncoming traffic was visible to literally everyone else in a three-block radius).
They also say “this is the real Philly” probably more than anybody ever should, and if you really press them, they’ll tell you Pat’s is better than Geno’s, though neither touches Sonny’s.
6. PMA Princess / Art Hoe
She’s wearing cat-eye sunglasses in cloudy 45 degree weather as she pumps down South Street in her three-inch black velvet creepers. Although her apathetic sneer seems uninviting, she can’t wait for someone to ask about her shoes.
She’ll boast about how they were “thrifted” from Buffalo Exchange, even though she basically paid full-price and could’ve copped them for half that at AIDS Thrift.
5. Former Frat Star
He’s in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot for a tailgate with his bros. He’ll stab open the side of a Bud Light can to drink it and anyone that complains because they’re soaked is an instant “buzzkill.”
There’s obviously nothing wrong with tailgating or watching the Eagles, but this dude makes it a competition. Can you name the last 15 people who played first base for the Phillies in order? He can, in chronological and alphabetical order, bro.
Although he’s 26 years old, he still visits West Chester University twice a month for “alumni duties,” but really he’s just buying alcohol for minors so he can feel like he’s still a frat star.
4. DIY Douche
He can be found chain-smoking American Spirits outside of a Saxby’s while he’s reading some misogynistic Bukowski poem. He hates rape culture, but defended Louis CK tooth-and-nail after he was caught masturbating in front of women he cornered in his room backstage.
He’s basically a frat boy in Doc Martens. He’ll mansplain the importance of trans issues to you, but scoff the minute a mildly flamboyant dude shows up to the house show. He hates his retail job because it drains his “creative energy.”
3. One Way All Day
If you’ve ever been minding your own business, walking through Center City and seen a massive herd of kids on bikes disrupting traffic, then this is their leader. He’s only 17, yet managed to develop a cult following of kids that would ride tricycles to Canada if he requested it.
He’ll lead a group of kids on dirt bikes onto I-95 all for fifteen minutes of fame in a Fox29 cover story. He can ride a bicycle for miles without breaking his wheelie.
2. Rittenhouse Elite
You can’t tell if she’s mean mugging you or can’t move her face from twenty years of Botox, but it’s probably a combination of both. She looks like the Philly incarnation of Donatella Versace, but without the notoriety or fashion sense.
Yes, it’s a mild sixty degrees, but she’s living lavish in floor-length furs, charitably sprinkling bread crumbs to both pigeons and people she views as peasants in Rittenhouse Square.
1. Extreme Local
This one is the easiest to find. Stop on any corner in the Northeast or South Philly and you’ll find him wearing dingy grey sweatpants with a 40 oz in one hand and his mom’s speaker in the other, blasting Dreams and Nightmares.
He has one of the Philly sports team logos tatted across his left calf, right beside the one of his childhood street name. He’s also saving up for a skyline tattoo. If a girl walks by, he’ll give her a hearty “YERRR, bad jawn in tights, lemme talk to you.” If a guy walks by, he politely asks to “bum a Newport.”
He often scoffs and uses the word “gentrification.”