Who will the Philadelphia Eagles take with pick number fourteen?
Will they draft a position of need, the best available player, or the guy who punched a woman in the face?
You never know what will happen at the NFL Draft.
One thing I do know is that we’re going to see a lot of tired cliches and crutches in Philly this week, some specific to our city, which is hosting this year, and some that are league wide eye-rollers.
Get ready for every stereotype and banality in the book, because everything you love and hate about Philadelphia football culture will reach critical mass on April 27th.
You’ll see footage of the Rocky statue, a cheesesteak, and the Liberty Bell
They call these “bump” shots in the TV business.
The broadcast will probably open with an overhead view from the Goodyear Blimp. Then the camera will pan from the Rocky statue to a draft stage hosting four ESPN personalities (which really doesn’t seem like much when you consider how CNN crams 12 people on the desk).
Going into the first commercial break, you’ll see an Italian guy making a cheesesteak in South Philly. It will be a close up shot of him chopping the beef with a spatula, putting it in the roll, then adding wiz and handing it to a customer.
When we return to the action, we’ll bump in with a shot of the Liberty Bell on Independence Mall.
A bonus feature will play later in the broadcast, with Bob Brady and Jim Kenney handing out DiNic’s roast pork sandwiches to the draft prospects outside of the Reading Terminal Market.
A reference to Donovan McNabb getting booed
Remember when a handful of Eagles fans booed Donovan McNabb in 1999?
I don’t, because that’s not what happened.
They booed the selection of McNabb because they wanted Ricky Williams instead.
Good thing we’re in the capable hands of Howie Roseman and Joe Douglas, and not these guys.
Discussion on whether the Eagles should draft a “position of need” or the “best available player”
Not really a big concern since the roster is filled with gaping holes.
I’m good with whatever direction they decide to go in, as long as it’s not a 26-year-old firefighter or anybody from Oregon.
We will talk about a player with “character issues”
Joe Mixon clocked a woman in the face.
Should he be the next Eagles running back?
We’ll take your phone calls after the break, but first here’s a commercial from divorce lawyer Joe Cordell.
Bro hugs from Roger Goodell
Goodell, who might be less popular than Gary Bettman, will be sure to give big ‘ole hugs to players that he doesn’t even know.
You’ll hear about how the Birds have never won the Super Bowl
It’s been 57 years since the Eagles won it all.
Flyers – 42 years
Sixers – 34 years
Phillies – 8 years
Union – haven’t even won a game in 2017
Something regarding Chip Kelly
Does culture beat scheme?
Are smoothies better than tacos?
Did the 2014 Philadelphia Eagles get enough sleep?
Someone will talk about how Philly is a tough, hard working, blue collar town
Get out the lunch pail and hard hat.
Purposefully saying “National Football League” to sound serious
“Mitch Trubisky is going to need to show better pocket awareness if he wants to be a starting quarterback in the National Football League.” – Jon Gruden, probably
A guy wearing an obscure Eagles jersey
I guarantee that Stewart Bradley or Ronnie Brown will be represented.
I can't even find a Todd Pinkston jersey on eBay, why do I even need a paycheck this is pointless. I'll settle for Aaron McKie.
— Matt Butler (@AllegedButler) January 20, 2017
Somebody with a shirsey and hat combination
Mike from South Philly?
Joe from the Northeast?
Somebody will show up with a Carson Wentz shirsey and a matching Eagles hat (bonus for white New Balance sneakers and tube socks).
Extreme fan takes
If the Eagles draft Christian McCaffery I'm killing myself.
— Jeff (@J_Rich96) April 17, 2017
Mike Mayock and Todd McShay and Mel Kiper will use corny combine lingo
I’ll translate –
A guy has a “strong motor” = he tries harder than others
A guy is an “athlete” = he doesn’t have a position
A guy is a “football player” = probably a white guy with athletic limitations but a passion for the game
A guy is a “project” = he’s Marcus Smith
A guy has good “measurables” = he has ideal height, weight, and combine numbers, which means absolutely nothing
A guy is a “north/south runner” = Chip Kelly will run him east/west
Every Eagles reporter will tweet the same thing at the same time
A montage of past Eagles draft selections
It probably starts with Carson Wentz holding up his jersey at last year’s draft.
— Philadelphia Eagles (@Eagles) April 20, 2017
Then we take a stroll down memory lane, with a split-screen showing the selections of Fletcher Cox and Brian Westbrook on the left, and Kevin Kolb and Nate Allen on the right.
The Patriots will totally nail their picks
They don’t even draft until the third round, which will end up being some guy from Bowling Green who becomes a Pro Bowler.
The Browns will totally miss on their picks
Except for the top overall selection. Myles Garrett is nasty.
Someone will ask about Kelly Green on sports radio
"Gus from Folcroft, you're up!"
"Yeh I've been an #Eagles fan since we drafted Ron Solt, bring back Kelly Green!"
"Great call, Gus!"
— JCorrado (@ForzaCorrado) March 31, 2017
People will find something to complain about
*With the 14th pick in the 2017 NFL draft the Philadelphia Eagles select* ……
Eagles Twitter: pic.twitter.com/Sd2Fkt01YG
— BrodieSZN ☔️ (@Nevers_Failures) April 15, 2017
Jets fans will be annoying
Cowboys fans will be worse
“I was born and raised in Marlton, but I’ve been a Cowboys fan my entire life because my mom went to college with Nate Newton’s cousin.”
Eagles fans will pretend like they know a guy even though they didn’t watch any college football in 2016
“I’d definitely go for the Clemson receiver. What’s his name again? Matt Williams?” – some guy from Broomall
Snowballs and Santa Claus
Christ almighty, this happened in 1968.
The guy who played Santa, Frank Olivo (RIP), explained that he was a season ticket holder and plucked from the crowd because the guy who was supposed to do the half-time Santa routine didn’t show up. It was a miserable and cold day, the Eagles were miserable, and fans just weren’t in the mood for anything light and fluffy. The snowball incident was more about fan frustrations boiling over and didn’t really have anything to do with some anti-Santa nonsense.
That’s all I’ve got.